Her Love Ran Crimson (Crimson Series) Page 8

  When the bell rings I grab my stuff and head to the back door quickly, trying to avoid Jase because I know the second I see him shit is going to go down. I open the door and dart out. I don’t see him, so I make my way down the hallway. Suddenly, I am pulled into an empty classroom. Jase has his back to the door and just stands there staring at me. I don’t know if I should say something, but it’s making me really uncomfortable while he is silently analyzing my face. He moves toward me with his hand out and reaches to caress my face. I flinch as he touches my bruised cheek. “Maddie, what happened? And don’t tell me nothing.” He says as he inspects my face. I can tell he is searching for the truth as our eyes lock. I try to brush it off as if nothing happened. “Oh this?” I ask as I point to my face. “I tripped over a shoe and fell into my dresser. No biggie.” I brush it off with a look on my face like it was all an accident and I am so clumsy.

  I go to make my way to the door, but he grabs my hand stopping me. His eyes are silently begging for me to let him in.

  “Come on. Why can’t you just tell me what happened? I’m not buying that crap Maddie. Maybe it works on others, but that shit doesn’t work with me. Please, tell me,” he says.

  As he is talking to me I am walking backwards and I hit the wall. He puts his hands on either side of my head against the wall trapping me in. He tilts his head and looks at me, staring deeply like he is looking into my heart and sending secret messages to it. “I can’t tell you, okay? Is that what you want to hear? I can’t tell you because it will only put you in danger, so please stop asking me. Stop tearing down my walls, stop saving me, and stop trying to make it all better, okay!” I scream a little louder than I want, but I can’t help it. I am so angry at Frank and the world.

  As fast as lightening, his lips are on mine. He is aggressively working my mouth, taking all his frustrations out on me. I can feel it and I don’t blame him. I am torn between enjoying this moment and letting my panic show. Then something takes over me and I let go. I feel his desperation in this kiss. I give everything I have back, trying to match his speed and hunger. I grab his face in my hands and hold on for the ride. I devour him. As he lowers his arms and wraps them around my back he starts to lift me off the ground and I automatically wrap my legs around him. This kiss is so primal I can’t help the little whimper that escapes my throat. I could go on forever like this, but we are jolted back into reality when the bell rings. I place my feet back down on the ground and smooth my clothes out.

  “We’re late.” I reach down and pick up my bag and sling it over my shoulder and smile shyly at him as I open the door and make my way to the next class, completely satisfied for the first time in a long time.

  Jase is following behind me and catches up. We get to our next class, but the door is locked. I give it a little knock. Mrs. Anderson opens the door and looks at both of us and whispers “You’re late. Hurry up. Don’t let it happen again.” She ushers us in. I take me seat and look over at Jase. I smile shyly and pretend to listen as I get lost in my day dreams.

  Chapter Twelve

  The last couple days have been good to say the least. I feel like a different person. I have been hanging around Jase at school. Stealing little kisses here and there. I can say I almost feel like a normal teenager. I have made it very clear to Jase that this is nothing serious. There isn’t even a title for this. Casual friends who kiss? Not a big deal, right? It wouldn’t be such a big deal if he didn’t keep saying that he will show me that I can trust him and that he won’t leave me like everyone else. That he won’t give up. I like to pretend to brush it off, but deep down inside I want him to be able to show me. To give me something to live for. Since I am only living to breathe at this point, it gives me a tiny sliver of hope for something better of my life. I would normally never be so optimistic, but the electricity that sparks between us when we are together feels so euphoric it’s hard not to get caught up in these crazy thoughts of being okay in the end.

  Walking down the halls together is getting harder, though. I thought the dirty looks and torment from others was bad before but it seems to be getting progressively worse. All the attention that is drawn from someone expressing interest in me is getting hard to deal with. I mean, I guess I am in shock that he’s interested in me too when there are so many other girls here that are way prettier than I am and who don’t have to hide who they are. Every time Jase comes around me the gossip starts buzzing and I hear the whispers. He is good at never paying attention to it. He never even shows if it bothers him. Not even a little bit.

  I haven’t seen Dixon since the park incident, which is strange. I usually see people Frank works with pretty often as they come in and out of the house making sure everything is in order. Especially Dixon. He was always here before making sure Frank was on point. I might be paranoid, but the last time he went missing he took me.

  I am shaken by the thought. Jase walks up behind me and kisses my temple. I smile tightly as the vision of Dixon doesn’t fade fast enough.

  “What’s wrong? You look like something’s up,” he says as he rubs my back to release the tension.

  The action is kind, but not one I am use to, so I fidget and move myself away from his hand. The second he loses contact with my back I see the sadness in his eyes. “Nothing. Just thinking. Ready for the day. I can already tell its going to be a great one.” Sarcasm is oozing from my statement. I turn to walk toward class and I’m suddenly face to face with Rebecca. I stop dead in my tracks, waiting for what verbal attack will come from her mouth this time. She says nothing. Instead her eyes are rake over Jase, making my blood boil. I know I have no claim to him, but this is my one person who doesn’t hate me and I know she wants to take it from me like everything else she has taken from me.

  She walks over to him trying to get me out of the way with a shoulder bump as she purrs—literally purrs—seductively, “Hey Jase. Haven’t seen you around the quad lately. I’ve been lonely. See you at lunch maybe?” as she runs a hand up his arm.

  I don’t even get a chance to hear what he says I turn and walk away while the blood boils in my veins. I don’t want to make a fool of myself, so leaving is the best choice. I feel anger take course and the stinging in my eyes makes me know how foolish I’m being. I take off toward the nearest bathroom to get my emotions in check before I head to class.

  I splash water on my face thinking the cold shock of it would bring me down. It doesn’t. I grab a paper towel and dry my face and storm out of the bathroom. Not paying attention to anything around me, I’m stopped by my voice of reason, Jase.

  “Maddie, what the hell happened back there? You just storm off and ignore me while you walk past me?” he asks with his hands fisted at his sides.

  Why the hell is he so angry? “Look, if you want to go hang with Becca go for it. I’m not stopping you. You don’t have to stand guard over me. I was fine before you came and will be fine when you leave. Oh, and just a tip, she is just trying to piss me off. That’s what she does best,” saying it a little louder than I want to. Now we have a crowd watching us. I am mortified to be having this conversation. This is why I keep my distance and don’t get so close to people. I lose everything close to me. Someone is always taking things important to me away. I can’t go through this again. Flashes fill my head of the moment my mother was taken from me. I am paralyzed by the memories. Jase holds my face in his hands as he breaks me out of my own thoughts.

  “I’ve told you before and I’m telling you again, I’m not going anywhere. You can keep trying to push me away all you want, but it’s not going to work. Stop fighting me, Maddie, please. It’s breaking my heart to see you like this.”

  He uses his thumbs to wipe tears from my cheeks that I didn’t even realize I’d shed. He is slowly breaking down every wall I have built to keep myself safe. I want to believe him. It’s just too hard. I can never be honest with him. How do you build something with somebody you won’t ever completely know? Then he kisses me. Kisses me to give me life, like his life
depends on it. Not caring at all what people think. I finally submit to him and just feel for the moment and it works. The truth in his words combined with the kiss do me in. I have never felt this flutter in my heart before. I know he has gotten to me. I won’t run. I silently promise him. I don’t want to feel alone again.

  As we walk to my car he asks, “Want to go get a coffee?”

  I check my phone and have no missed call or text messages. “Sure, but I have to go home right after. Follow me?” He puts his arm around my shoulder as he guides me to my car.

  “Lead the way.”

  ****

  I never thought I would be doing this, sitting on the patio sipping coffee with Jase, such a regular every day thing. It’s such a natural thing to others, but to me it’s anything but. After hanging for a bit I excuse myself to the restroom. After taking a long look in the mirror and taking a cleansing breath I make my way out of the bathroom. When I open the door I am stopped by Dixon. My heart beats so loudly it drowns out my hearing and things start to get cloudy. I can’t breathe. As he inches closer to me, trapping me up against the wall, he stares deeply into my eyes.

  “Maddison, nice to see you here. I saw you outside with your friend. Who is he?” he asks a he runs a finger down my cheek.

  I shiver at the contact. My breaths start coming in faster. I just keep thinking this is all a game to him. He gets some sick amusement out of the terror he causes me.

  “What are we gonna do with you first, sweet Maddison” he says as he trails his finger lower down my arm.

  All I can think about is when is someone is going to notice I am gone. Come help me. Get me out of here. A small cry comes out of my lips and the tears are building up, making my already jumbled vision become more obscure.

  “Now you are going to cooperate and give me what I want, aren’t you Maddison?” he whispers into the crook of my neck making me unable to breathe. “I heard you can be very giving when needed and since Frank wants to take what’s mine, I will take what I want.”

  As his hand trails higher up my calf I can’t help but scream. ”Get off of me,” begging and pleading with him to leave me alone. I’m kicking and screaming, trying to escape him. He holds me down with my back against the bed. He traps my arms to my sides with his knees. His hands are free and he is overpowering me. I feel helpless and I know I will never see the light of day again. Struggling only seems to make it worse. When I get a hand free I scratch at his face, trying anything to get him off of me. This sets him off and all I remember is him head butting me until everything turns black. I have lost this battle.

  I don’t know where I am or what happened. All I know is I am sitting in Jase’s car with him crouched down with his head in his hands outside the door and he is staring at me. The last thing I remember is seeing Dixon. I start to freak out. What did he do to me again? Jase notices my panic and gets up. He puts his head in the door and looks deeply into my eyes as if they will tell him what is going on. I want to tell him. I’m fighting a battle of telling him and losing him or keeping quiet and ultimately losing him for always keeping him in the dark. Thinking about losing him brings a stinging to my eyes. I can’t even force out a word. I blink rapidly to force my tears aside. I finally look up from my hands that are folded in my lap and look at him square in the eyes. “Jase, there are so many things I want to tell you, but I just can’t. Telling you means losing you and I can’t risk that. Please, don’t make me tell you the ugliness that consumes my every breath. You will become one of them and pretend you never even knew me. I don’t want to relive what has happened. Even though I can’t stop thinking about it, telling you will make it worse. It will make it happen all over again. Please, until I get out of here I can’t say anything.” I say everything in one huge breath. In my own way I just told him how much he means to me without even meaning to.

  “Oh Maddie, I can’t help you if you won’t let me in. I want to help you. I want to be there for you and fight every demon that lives inside you. I just can’t if you won’t give me a chance. Please, Maddie, let me in. Trust me to take it all away.” He is begging me like his whole life’s happiness depends on it.

  I wish my heart and my head were on the same page. I feel like I am being split into two people. “It’s bad, Jase. Real bad. I am damaged and I live with that every day. You don’t live with him. You don’t know what lengths he will go to make sure I disappear. There is nothing you can do. I’m in too deep. When I turn eighteen I’m leaving here. I just have to hold off for a little bit longer. This, us, is making it harder for me. He saw me with you. You could be in danger now. Fuck! How could I be so stupid? I should have never come to coffee. I can only see you at school. If they find out who you are, they will make your life is a living hell like mine.” I don’t know if I am saying this to convince him or myself. It’s an internal battlefield in my body right now. Right from wrong. I know the life I live is wrong. I also know keeping quiet is wrong. The only reason I keep quiet is because I don’t want Frank to have the satisfaction of seeing me crack. I also don’t want to end up like my mother.

  “Who? Who is going to do this Maddie? Does your Father hurt you? Because if that is the case I’m going to make sure that doesn’t happen again.”

  “Stop, Jase. Just Stop. I think I need to get home before he finds out I’m here. I don’t want him sending someone to come find me,” I say as I grab the handle above the door to help me get out of his car. Things have been getting so out of control since I met Jase. Coincidentally, it was the same day Dixon came back into the picture. I am ready to crack. I hate being only a shell of myself. I want to be a fraction of a normal girl. An intense need takes over me and I figure I am already in trouble for being here with Jase, so I take a leap of faith and I kiss him. I do it hard with all the anger built up. I kiss him like I will never see him again. I pour my heart out into this kiss, hoping it will get him to forget about this situation and just remember me. I leave him out of breath. I only hope his heart is about to beat out of his chest as mine is. “Goodbye,” I say softly and head to my car to face my nightmare and to see if I have been snitched on.

  Chapter Thirteen

  When I get home the coast is clear. I get no greeting from Frank at the door. I don’t even see him around the house, which in my case is a very good thing. I’m not ready to be confronted about my coffee date I make my way to my room to finish up some homework.

  As I open the door to my room I am dumbfounded. My room has been ransacked and left in a complete disaster. Everything is thrown around and turned upside down. Things are everywhere. Frank did this. Dixon must have told him I was there with Jase. I am almost certain of it. He has to know that telling Frank is hurting me. He is trying to kill the last bit I have gained back from everything. He always has to fuck with the tiny bit of things that are mine.

  I am so angry my body is convulsing. I slam the door behind me. They constantly find the worst things possible to do to me. This is minor compared to what has been done to me in the past, but I still can’t help feeling violated.

  I pick up the closest thing to me, one of my drawers that he emptied and tossed on my bed, and throw it against the wall, screaming and crying at the same time. I smash stuff, pretending it’s Frank and Dixon’s faces I brace the dresser and lower my head taking a breath. I look up and see my image in the mirror. I look nothing like I remember. I look pale and weak. I don’t ever remember looking this worn down. I cock my hand back and punch the mirror as hard as I can, smashing it into a million tiny shards of glass. My hand throbs in pain, which is a welcome feeling at the moment. It makes me focus on that and not everything else.

  As I start to calm down, reality hits me. I have to clean this all up, so I go and grab a trash bag. This will be a good distraction and something to focus my energy into.

  As I begin to carefully pick up the pieces of glass, I cut my palm. Instantly, I inhale through my teeth making a hissing noise as the glass cuts through my skin sending pain to travel through
my veins. I feel it moving in my blood stream and it almost feels like the feeling I get when I get my tattoos. The pain helps me to remember I am still alive.

  It’s a strange moment looking at the crimson red blood running down my palm to my wrist. It’s as if the blood symbolizes my mom’s life. Even if no one sees it while it runs through my body, it’s always there running deeply, keeping me alive. It’s like my mom. I can’t see her, but I know she is here, always on my side, giving me the strength to never give up. God, I just don’t want to disappoint her. Every day I am living here I feel like am letting her down. All I want is to know she is resting in peace, I don’t think she will truly ever be until I break free.

  I get up and make my way to the bathroom to clean my hand and bandage it up. When I get back into my room I sigh as I see the long clean up progress ahead of me. I am starting to regret some of the things I trashed. I lift up a drawer that was dumped and gasp at what I find under it, one of my favorite pictures of me and my mom on my fourth birthday. I am wearing a huge pale pink princess dress with a plastic crown. I have a magic wand in my hand and I am touching my mom’s nose, probably asking her to wish for something and pretending to grant it to her. We looked so happy. We didn’t have a care in the world then. Frank wasn’t around yet. I don’t really remember too much about that time, but I always had a great time with my mom. She loved me hard and made sure to tell me every chance she got. I think she liked to over express that, hoping I wouldn’t ever feel like it was my fault my father left. I never felt like that, though. I have always been smarter than my own good, my mother would say. I know my parents were young and I was unplanned and this wasn’t what he wanted. Yes, I do get angry that he couldn’t step up and be a father. Because he didn’t, Frank found us. I refuse to focus my energy on the what-ifs and the things that never happened. I grab all the pictures and tuck them into my purse. I don’t want to throw them away.